What was I THINKING?!?! – May 1st

Who the hell do I think I am? Mary Poppins? Holy cow. My “full-time mommying” has turned these kids into lazy little demons. Yeah. I said it. I unknowingly threw off the balance of good and evil on Earth. Never fear, consider it fixed. It’s every demon for themselves from now on around here. Say goodbye to afterschool yogurt parfaits. Guess I wasn’t being a “good” mom after all.  New house rules and chores lists have been published and signed by little people not old enough to enter into a contract.  Thankfully they are also not old enough to know that.  Don’t tell.

Peace and love.

-k

The Beginning – April 20th

I am taking an “extended unpaid vacation” AKA: time off between work contracts.  AKA: I am unemployed. To be specific, for the first time since having children, I do not have another job to go to.  This is a choice I made and it is a new experience for me. I have always gone from one job to the next.  I’ve been lucky if you believe in luck. And I’ve been successful b/c I work hard and am trustworthy if you perhaps value those traits. 

For now, I am not torn between my career and motherhood.  I don’t have to figure out the balance. I am all one sided now.  The other half of me is on a hiatus. I’m not sure what that means to me or how I feel about it.  I am confused about my new identity. But I can tell you I have time and energy for stuff I would have never been able to do before.  I washed 10 days of laundry for 4 people in one day. I’ve made healthy breakfasts and dinners and fancy afterschool yogurt parfaits.  Painted a bookcase, volunteered for JA, and attended a MORNING (!) PTO meeting. I am knocking it out of the park as a mom. Which forces me to reflect on, was I not a good mother before?   

The biggest theme in my motherhood experience is that it is rife with doubt.  What am I doing wrong? What am I missing out on? I’ve felt pain in my chest hearing my kids say that their friend’s moms spend the whole summer with them b/c they aren’t working, why do we have to go to summer camp?  When they are grown, is that what they will remember? I want them to remember being happy, supported, loved, and inspired. And proud of having a mom that was a successful career woman in a male-dominated field. Can those things coexist? I hope so. But for now, I will take this gift of time. And hope the kids remember those few weeks when mom was home. And hope they don’t resent when I wasn’t.

Shout out to working AND stay at home moms and every combination.  

Peace and love.

-k